let me tell you of the raven's sins.

Reading: thoughts that do not shine.
Listening to: nineties alternative radio.
Last watched: How to Get Away with Murder.
Mood: desecrated.
2014 September xx, 1:27 AM.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012


I searched for you
throughout a maze
of a thousand doors
Danger and delusions
Closures, stifling and old,
leading to paths that ended
in rusty surprises. Things
beyond amazement awaited
Intricate, delicate, testing:
a quest for truth — I
gave my all. To find you. I
would die to find you
Absurd composition you
would never comprehend
But I would. Citing your name
Waiting for an answer
that never came. Opening
door after life-threatening
door, battling, escaping
Wickedness clashed into
self-denials, one of which
won. Competition is in
my blood; I burnt like rage
reddening a sorrowful sage
Then there you were:
impassive, unfeeling, numb,
the way you always were
Why do you make
dreams so difficult? And
life impossible? If you would,
you could. So I, I stopped
Preventing myself from
caging you with an aphasiac
heart. But you, you saw it:
It was I who found you
Run as you might, faraway
Forget; forgo. One world
and a myriad of other
dimensions, it would still
be me who found you (even
your doubtful heart knew)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012, 4:45 PM

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Damn Technorati

If you also needed to claim a blog on Technorati, then you know very well why I must comply with this embarrassment. I am aware that I can remove the code afterward, but it looks more offensive if it stays. Right?

This is an automatically-generated email.
Thank you for submitting your blog claim on Technorati. Technorati will need to verify that you are an author of the site http://amelanniza.blogspot.com by looking for a unique code. We have just assigned the claim token BSQ4EJ37DWCE to this claim. Please visit http://technorati.com/account/ for more details, including how to use the claim token.
Thank you.

I Don't Mind at All

Lyrics from the song "I Don't Mind at All" sung by True Faith, a band from the Philippines. I heard this song on a Jakartan radio station a veeery long time ago when I was still using that old radio player with its analog frequency tuner. Probably in high school in 1995?

Exactly today, it was still played on the same radio station but now I got it from its Internet streaming page. And... I found the title and the band from the radio's Twitter update. FINALLY!! There is a Youtube unofficial video for the song, and that is from where I converted the MP3 file.

No lyrics are available on any Internet site, so I thought I had better transcribe them on my blog. Let me know if I missed anything.

A bit of a grammatical correction to entertain my fussy English teacher side: In the lyrics, it should have been composed as "could have got that far" not "get that far". And judging from the context, I assume it was meant as "rejected junkie" not "rejection junkie". A rejection junkie is someone who is so fond of being rejected, while a rejected junkie is a drug addict hated by everyone.

But since... I had to copy what the song is word per word, there you have it — a good song with bad grammar.

 True Faith 

Well, I wonder if this is just infatuation
But with the way it hits me
This could only be my new sensation
Maybe you'd prefer a rock and roll star
Who shoots up coke and drives a really cool car
I could have get that far
I don't mind at all
I don't mind at all
Tongue tied and twisted
I can't seem to get through
In a world of strangers
I'm left without a single clue
Maybe I'm just a rejection junkie
I get my lessons from MTV
I may not get lucky
I don't mind at all
I don't mind at all
Maybe I'm just a rejection junkie
I get my lessons from MTV
I may not get lucky
I don't mind at all
Really I, I don't mind at all
I don't mind
I don't mind
I don't mind at all

MP3 files:
Dropbox (on the new window, right-click then save as)
Google Docs

Sunday, January 29, 2012, 9:33 PM
I don't mind at all is from True Faith's song "I Don't Mind at All".

Saturday, January 28, 2012

The Blame

Whose fault is it that I cannot write?

Although I have tried to command myself to fabricate something genuine, and prismatic, and shiny, my body still revolts against all force. Tiredness from I don't know what. I only taught a full day yesterday — leaving at 6:45 in the morning and returning at 6 PM — nothing unusual. But after arriving at home, fatigue surrounded me. I feel so old.

It's like I'd been running a marathon. Or another more evil Witch had put a curse on me! Sleeping was no use. I couldn't. So, Looklet fashion sets. Should boost my spirit. Need I remind myself I still owe my blog twelve bloody posts for I haven't written anything since Tuesday?

Looklet album January 28, 2012

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Battle of Blogs

Hoping to find a better blogging platform, I tried Blogspot, Wordpress, and Tumblr.

Blogspot has a better theme layout which I can design myself. The visuals are great. But, no categories. What kind of lame portal offers no categories? It's essential to group articles into categories so that readers can find a certain subject easily. And, it doesn't have any blog calendar widget that shows links and titles of the posts published in a day.

Wordpress, of everyone, presents the best red-black display that I love so. Too pleasing not to look at. I really adore that Neo-Sapien theme. However, it doesn't allow me to use Google Analytics, which is a lot more important than cool themes. I'm shocked to know that they don't include Analytics. That's bad, primitive technology, and very unaccommodating. Analytics is compulsory to track visitors, keywords, and trends. I will never ever use Wordpress for its lack of Analytics.

Tumblr is the worst of all: It won't permit importing posts from another platform. Whoah. Fatal. That means you can only start a brand new blog there, with no older posts accessible from your previous blog. I won't even consider starting anything on Tumblr. Useless.

I must admit that the three famous domains have better, more artistic themes. But still, in terms of ease of use and better functionality, blog.com wins. Its text editor is most advanced, with more complete options than the other three. And the menus are very user-friendly. Not confusing at all. Everything is placed in a systematic, clear, and simple presentation.

Nonetheless, it's not flawless. As I said, in my other post, their support team is annoyingly tardy. Not very helpful. No one was able to address the wrong suspension issue I had last Saturday. Today, on Monday, two days later, after I mailed them three times, I'm still waiting for a reply. My blog hasn't been restored. Imagine how horrible it makes me seem. It's not even a crime to post six bloody original articles a day, as I know. I didn't spam anyone!

Not sure if exporting to Blogspot would be a good choice, since I do need the categories to facilitate well-defined topics. If, until tonight I cannot have my old blog back, I'll post the latest items I wrote on my second account.

Headaches. Serious headaches. Thank you, stupid unreliable blog.

Monday, January 23, 2012, 5:32 PM

Subconscious Lust

Like a doll's
I longed to feel them
with my hand. How
did he come to have
such gracefully soft tresses?
The lad whose hair was amber
sang in a band. So I dreamt
His slender height
towering above me
inviting, or was it
protecting? Hard to tell
an answer was all he sought
not me, nor my dull caresses
His feistiness against mine,
which one won?
Hiding is my favorite game
in my mind, where it all
began so surreptitiously
subconsciously, the stones
scattered — sown, grown
something implanted like
his roughly-black uniform,
his reddening curly locks
his strained melody:
boyish but seductive as sin
Capturing lust in imagery
begs for spontaneity,
not these forced phrases
of wasted past, too lost
in deadbeat dissoluteness

Saturday, December 31, 2011, 10:47 AM –
Monday, January 23, 2012, 1:02 AM

Red Box of Memory

Chewing the sourness
of dried green grapes.
Not in despair.
Nor in apathy.
Simply fighting sleep.
To make me feel human again.

I forget how to feel.
Emotionless. Unable
to sympathize or to energize.
People disenchant. Nothing
fascinates. I go through morning
till night as a heartless mass
of snow. Ineffectually cold.
Inhuman. I seek not connection.
Everything disconnects itself.
A life of lonesomeness. I thought
I would be content. Accepting, yes.
But still, questioning.
Is anything better after this?

Auditioning for a friend.
No one entertains. Nor soothes.
I know not what I want. A person?
A lover? A steadfast companion?
None of it. Creativity. The power
to create. Fun. Amusement. Thirst
for excitement. So elusive
it points to nowhere. One thing
attracts, for a while, and then dies.
Death ends all things beautiful.

Sunday, January 22, 2012, 9:58 PM
Red box of memory is from Verve's song "Sonnet".
Illustration by Feodor Rojankovsky

Season of Hate

Let my exterior deceive you not
I am made of Hate
The most illicit of all Spite

I do not know you and I do not care
I may pretend and I know how
to pretend well
I fret; I feign; I design
A game of shock
a spritz of blitz

Everyone is an irritation
Hiding potentials to irk
Too ready to violate
with a smile and a smirk

Hate me; shun me; forget me
Leave: for I mean nothing to you
Hate: for you never mean a thing to me

Tuesday, December 20, 2011, 4:56 AM –
Sunday, January 22, 2012, 9:35 PM

Ulterior Motive

(Human Specimens for Experiments)

Friends, foes,
and ferocious crushes:

Greatness is your presence
Holy as my vow of chastity;
sacred as a sunken litany
This delight you bring brightens
my darkest depressing days
What blessings I have
I have you! Who (somehow)
agree to talk to me, to share
experiences occasionally
Stories to hear and
memories to cheer
Emotions evolve in
different shades, exposing
grand ideas to enlight my life
handing me clarity
That is sugar

And this is spice:
the fun side of me
Never did I care — never will
You mean nothing. Nothing
but puppets: strangers
to disengage. Specimens
for my word experiments
Needed, most predictably
as indispensable ingredients
to cook edible tales
Objectified subjects,
most delicate of your kind
Naive, trusting,
easily manipulated
One hush and you blush
One lie and you die
How amusing it has been!

Sentimentalism is a mask
I wear best

Now you know me,
which way will it be?
Sugar or spice?
Whom do you trust?

Friday, December 30, 2011, 5:16 AM –
Sunday, January 22, 2012, 8:05 PM

Diligence Is Wrong

As I was publishing my sixth post of the day yesterday night at eleven, my blog was again wrongly suspended. My best guess was that it was marked as spam. Though six posts sound like a very insignificant number to consider as spam. I don't know. I think I once had seven articles a day, and it didn't attract any drama.

The worst thing is no one from blog.com has helped with restoring my blog. Last year, when it was also mistaken as spam in August 2011, I got it back in three hours. That was fast and helpful. Having suspension for almost twenty-four hours makes my blog look unprofessional. Very unreliable.

I assume blog.com doesn't assign anyone to handle complaints on weekends. What the Hell? This means my blog will be off till Monday afternoon, when the support team goes to work again. That's very irresponsible of them. Internet is open twenty-four hours a day, no days-off. The least they can do is hire a person to make sure nothing goes wrong during the weekends.

So far, I've been getting many glitches and low-quality service from blog.com. The time when it was inaccessible for a whole week. Or those prolonged error messages when some blogs are closed for I don't know what. And now this. The absence of support on Saturdays and Sundays. Bloody Hell.

Blogspot would have better maintenance and features. Much more stable, I'm sure. I'm thinking about exporting my blog there. But the work of promoting a new blog address is just daunting. I hate doing that. So frustrating. And unfair. What is so wrong with writing much and publish more posts in the same day? Six is a very small number. I don't see anything threatening with it.

With a pretty name like blog.com, some huge trustworthy company should buy the domain and provide much better credibility. Why hasn't anyone done this?

Sunday, January 22, 2012, 7:39 PM

You're the Only Sound I Want to Hear

Do you think about me as much as I think about you today? It makes me cry. So much. I want to go back and find you there. Shutting out the whole world. Dream and never wake.

People are so distant. So cold. Selfish and indifferent. I have been living alone in my room, in my head. No one wants me. No one is ever around to stay longer. We never had the chance to hear each other's voice. We should have spoken. Freezing Time, making forever ours. Have you... ever gone back there to find me? To see if I would be waiting for you where we left off. To face each other. To catch me and never let go.

It must feel so safe. I know it. I, too, retract myself. Further away each day. Holding on to the one thing that covers me with the warmth of an ancient afternoon. Our secret afternoon.

They will never understand.

Meet me tonight. I need you now. I have been missing you for twelve years. And I need you. Only you. This time, pull my heart tighter. We can be together. Together. It will be all right. Everything falls into place. You, me, tragedy. Don't let me go. Never let me go. It hurts too much without you.

Saturday, January 21, 2012, 10:40 PM
You're the only sound I want to hear is from Death Cab for Cutie's song "Soul Meets Body".

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Objection, Your Majesty

Who, in her right mind, would choose blogspot.com as a domain for blogging? Very troublesome. And loooong. Blog.com sounds awfully nicer. But since, no one there is sane or kind enough to help me restore my wrongly-accused-as-spam blog, here I go.


Unpretty. But reliable, I hope.